The Gimp
CORSO VANNUCCI -- This morning I was calling Mikey to tell him about the Hip Displaysia Gnome that I almost fucked, but she was a Yankees fan.
Oh, you want to have it explained a little better than that, do you?
So I'm at this restaurant/bar, for some fucking networking bullshit thing. I went to it last week, and pulled the Silver Medal broad out of the place. Ok, she was a bit trashy, but it was the Silver Medal (for those who don't know, that's the SECOND best looking chick in the bar/party/airplane/classroom/jail cell or whatever social setting you're in. So, anyhow... Silver Medal girl wasn't much but a wacko...
So, anyhow... this week. I hit on the Gold Medal and after 10 minutes of energy expended, I finally understand that the wedding ring on her finger means that she isn't interested in getting fucked within 45 minutes. I bail. Move on to Silver Medal (not the same chick, new party, new silver medal) Silver Medal is hot, cool, she *does* smoke, but is really interested in quitting .. and get this, she's skipping church to be drinking, and loves the fact that I'm in the porn biz. Yah! Score. Well, she's gotta go around 10PM, but I get her card and send a slick email when I get home. Then I smoked a blunt and started writing this. Ha.
So, I re-enter the Bistro... there she is -- The Bronze Medal. Still pretty damn hot. This was a great party. I mean, Gold was only Gold because she was really wholesome and didnt smoke... but Silver was actually hotter. Bronze, she was clearly Bronze... but still worthy of a medal.
So, I'm chatting her up, buy her a few fruity drinks, and she's essentially stroking my ego enough that I know it is inevitable that I will bang this broad. Nice Jewish girl.... I decide to quit wasting time and I say to her:
Me: "You wanna get out of here and get something to eat -- like Sushi?" (subtitle = "you wanna fuck?")
Her: "I don't eat sushi, but I'll go there with you." (I'll do any fucking thing you want ... including swallowing *to-fucking-night*)
Me: "fuck, lets just get a booth here." (I'll definitely fuck you, but I want a motherfucking portherhouse too, so in the interest of time, lets eat here, then fuck)
Her: "Ok, but I need to go to the bathroom"
Me: "Ok... go"
Her: But, umm, I need to tell you something
Uh oh.
I have a *limp.*
Ok, so who gives a fuck? I didnt walk for a year after I broke my leg skydiving, fuckin limp over to the bathroom.
(she smiles) ok... (laughs).
end of dialogue
THIS WAS A "LIMP" THE WAY THE SRI LANKA TSUNAMI WAS A "WAVE!" SHE'S GOT FUCKING HIP DISPLAYSIA LIKE A FUCKING GERMAN SHEPHERD!
Ok, it is NOT nice to make fun of the disabled... and I'm not.... I'm just saying that she's FUCKING DEFORMED! Not that there is anything wrong with that, but fuck, man, I figured she was weird -- but she was fucking CIRCUS GEAR. Oh my god....
No, I panic... how the FUCK am I getting out of this one? Oh fuck.... man..... I am just gonna have to fuck her. I mean, how can I not? I can't be THAT GUY that was throwing mad game at her, looked at her like she was the Bronze.... and he poured on the fucking charm. And then... he figures out she has hip displasyia, and he bolts.... Fuck... I didnt give a FUCK if I had to get some motherfucking Ecstasy and Viagra. I was going to have to fuck this girl. I mean, it may seem egocentric and narcissistic, but (well, of course I am both), but this was one occasion when the "mercy fuck rule" came into play.
I really think that in that kind of a situation, it was the right thing to do to bang this girl. Sure, if I was some "I don't fuck that much" guy, then maybe not... but its not like I'm not a slut anyhow. So screw it... what's one more click on the odometer when compared to doing the right thing?
She waddles off to the bathroom, every step making her look like a baseball pitcher winding up to throw. I run outside... I call for backup... there is none available -- well, my friend Jackie... who was the first one I called. She laughed her ass off and tried to come up with a plan. We didnt have much. She was gonna call in 10 mins with an "emergency." This was absurd. This wasnt going to work. I was fucked. I was going to have to fuck a deformed chick... oh man... what has my dick gotten me into now?
She hobbles back like Tiny Tim with no crutch. She probably has those metal polio crutches, but left them home because they keep her from getting laid... worse than that hip displaysia.
She sits down, looks at the TV and says..... (I SHIT YOU NOT)
"Oh, the Yankess are losing -- I love the Yankees"
THANK YOU GOD! HOLY SHIT. FUCKING DIVINE INTERVENTION! ELVIS, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! TCB BABY.
See... I fucking HATE the Yankees. I dont even write about them much, because they are so vermin-filled to me. I HATE them.
In this world, the lowest form of life is the Yankees Fan.... beneath that is a protoplasmic form of proto-life called the CHILD MOLESTER ... but beneath that, in the sludge of ectoplasmic pre-life foul soup is the YANKEES FAN WHO ISN'T FROM NEW YORK.
Fucking New Yorkers at least have an excuse. In fact, someone from the Bronx, White Plains, Yonkers, Mt. Pleasant, all of penninsular NY, they kinda have to be Yankees fans... its their home team. But pretty much any other New Yorker or New Jerseyan can choose to, instead, be a Mets fan. Mets fans are not slime. I respect them.
But this bitch was a born-and-raised in Orlando, Florida -- and a YANKEES FAN! Now, Elle fucking MacPherson, Iman, and Lucy Liu could have decided to do a Menage-a-quatre with your humble narrator, and if any of them showed up with a Yankees hat, I'd bitch slap her like a fucking angry pimp. Maybe the other two wouldnt have fucked me then... or maybe, just maybe, they'd dig how daddy handles the LAY-DEEZ. (Warning, pimp zone, all others will be bitch slapped).
And therein lies the genius... I LAY INTO HER. Instinctually really. Not even thinking, I essentially inform her of my theories of ectoplasm and essentially tell her that I respect child molesters more than her. It wasn't even a pretext. Seriously... but wow did I throw her an "offensiveness bomb."
She gets pissed and looks to other people in the bar to join her indignancy. See, I was being REALLY loud, and REALLY obnoxious. In all fairness, it was a bit over the line to call a girl "lower than a child molester," but hey, fuck her -- she's a Yankees fan... by choice.
The Bartender says "whatt's the problem here?" I explain that she is a FUCKING YANKEES FAN!
The Bartender (oh, you're gonna fucking love this) says, "Brotha! I'm from Wakefield... and I think that ALL YANKEES FANS ARE BELOW CHILD MOLESTERS -- WAY FUCKING BELOW."
The Bar-Back-Broad chimes in "Oh yeah, totally, Fuck the Yankees."
This other girl down the bar, who (when she walked in, and before she opened her mouth) was really kinda ugly yells "FUCK YEAH, I'M FROM MELROSE, AND FUCK THE YANKEES. GIAMBI IS A FUCKING FAGGOT, FUCKING A-ROD IS FUCKING GAY-ROD. WHAT A FUCKING QUEEAH... GAY ROD GETS FUCKED UP THE ASS BY GIAMBI AND THEN FELCHES HIM FUCKING QUEEAH... GETS BLOMPIES FRUM FUCKIN HOMELESS PEOPLE FUCKIN FAG."
(Wow... I'm into THIS chick!)
And all this time, the Circus Freak is mortified in her chair. See, nobody else knew she was a gimp - but I have a feeling it wouldn't have mattered to anybody. We drove her out of there like we were chasing a leper with the black plague out of a pub during the middle ages.... we all but beat her with sticks. And nobody felt the least bit bad, because her handicap was not the issue ... she was driven away for her own personal (and fucking miserable) choice in life ... and the best part is that I did not have to fuck a gimp.
Oh, and I know I'm going to hell. So, whatever. I'll save you a seat (because admit it -- you fuckin' laughed).
Oh, you want to have it explained a little better than that, do you?
So I'm at this restaurant/bar, for some fucking networking bullshit thing. I went to it last week, and pulled the Silver Medal broad out of the place. Ok, she was a bit trashy, but it was the Silver Medal (for those who don't know, that's the SECOND best looking chick in the bar/party/airplane/classroom/jail cell or whatever social setting you're in. So, anyhow... Silver Medal girl wasn't much but a wacko...
So, anyhow... this week. I hit on the Gold Medal and after 10 minutes of energy expended, I finally understand that the wedding ring on her finger means that she isn't interested in getting fucked within 45 minutes. I bail. Move on to Silver Medal (not the same chick, new party, new silver medal) Silver Medal is hot, cool, she *does* smoke, but is really interested in quitting .. and get this, she's skipping church to be drinking, and loves the fact that I'm in the porn biz. Yah! Score. Well, she's gotta go around 10PM, but I get her card and send a slick email when I get home. Then I smoked a blunt and started writing this. Ha.
So, I re-enter the Bistro... there she is -- The Bronze Medal. Still pretty damn hot. This was a great party. I mean, Gold was only Gold because she was really wholesome and didnt smoke... but Silver was actually hotter. Bronze, she was clearly Bronze... but still worthy of a medal.
So, I'm chatting her up, buy her a few fruity drinks, and she's essentially stroking my ego enough that I know it is inevitable that I will bang this broad. Nice Jewish girl.... I decide to quit wasting time and I say to her:
Me: "You wanna get out of here and get something to eat -- like Sushi?" (subtitle = "you wanna fuck?")
Her: "I don't eat sushi, but I'll go there with you." (I'll do any fucking thing you want ... including swallowing *to-fucking-night*)
Me: "fuck, lets just get a booth here." (I'll definitely fuck you, but I want a motherfucking portherhouse too, so in the interest of time, lets eat here, then fuck)
Her: "Ok, but I need to go to the bathroom"
Me: "Ok... go"
Her: But, umm, I need to tell you something
Uh oh.
I have a *limp.*
Ok, so who gives a fuck? I didnt walk for a year after I broke my leg skydiving, fuckin limp over to the bathroom.
(she smiles) ok... (laughs).
end of dialogue
THIS WAS A "LIMP" THE WAY THE SRI LANKA TSUNAMI WAS A "WAVE!" SHE'S GOT FUCKING HIP DISPLAYSIA LIKE A FUCKING GERMAN SHEPHERD!
Ok, it is NOT nice to make fun of the disabled... and I'm not.... I'm just saying that she's FUCKING DEFORMED! Not that there is anything wrong with that, but fuck, man, I figured she was weird -- but she was fucking CIRCUS GEAR. Oh my god....
No, I panic... how the FUCK am I getting out of this one? Oh fuck.... man..... I am just gonna have to fuck her. I mean, how can I not? I can't be THAT GUY that was throwing mad game at her, looked at her like she was the Bronze.... and he poured on the fucking charm. And then... he figures out she has hip displasyia, and he bolts.... Fuck... I didnt give a FUCK if I had to get some motherfucking Ecstasy and Viagra. I was going to have to fuck this girl. I mean, it may seem egocentric and narcissistic, but (well, of course I am both), but this was one occasion when the "mercy fuck rule" came into play.
I really think that in that kind of a situation, it was the right thing to do to bang this girl. Sure, if I was some "I don't fuck that much" guy, then maybe not... but its not like I'm not a slut anyhow. So screw it... what's one more click on the odometer when compared to doing the right thing?
She waddles off to the bathroom, every step making her look like a baseball pitcher winding up to throw. I run outside... I call for backup... there is none available -- well, my friend Jackie... who was the first one I called. She laughed her ass off and tried to come up with a plan. We didnt have much. She was gonna call in 10 mins with an "emergency." This was absurd. This wasnt going to work. I was fucked. I was going to have to fuck a deformed chick... oh man... what has my dick gotten me into now?
She hobbles back like Tiny Tim with no crutch. She probably has those metal polio crutches, but left them home because they keep her from getting laid... worse than that hip displaysia.
She sits down, looks at the TV and says..... (I SHIT YOU NOT)
"Oh, the Yankess are losing -- I love the Yankees"
THANK YOU GOD! HOLY SHIT. FUCKING DIVINE INTERVENTION! ELVIS, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! TCB BABY.
See... I fucking HATE the Yankees. I dont even write about them much, because they are so vermin-filled to me. I HATE them.
In this world, the lowest form of life is the Yankees Fan.... beneath that is a protoplasmic form of proto-life called the CHILD MOLESTER ... but beneath that, in the sludge of ectoplasmic pre-life foul soup is the YANKEES FAN WHO ISN'T FROM NEW YORK.
Fucking New Yorkers at least have an excuse. In fact, someone from the Bronx, White Plains, Yonkers, Mt. Pleasant, all of penninsular NY, they kinda have to be Yankees fans... its their home team. But pretty much any other New Yorker or New Jerseyan can choose to, instead, be a Mets fan. Mets fans are not slime. I respect them.
But this bitch was a born-and-raised in Orlando, Florida -- and a YANKEES FAN! Now, Elle fucking MacPherson, Iman, and Lucy Liu could have decided to do a Menage-a-quatre with your humble narrator, and if any of them showed up with a Yankees hat, I'd bitch slap her like a fucking angry pimp. Maybe the other two wouldnt have fucked me then... or maybe, just maybe, they'd dig how daddy handles the LAY-DEEZ. (Warning, pimp zone, all others will be bitch slapped).
And therein lies the genius... I LAY INTO HER. Instinctually really. Not even thinking, I essentially inform her of my theories of ectoplasm and essentially tell her that I respect child molesters more than her. It wasn't even a pretext. Seriously... but wow did I throw her an "offensiveness bomb."
She gets pissed and looks to other people in the bar to join her indignancy. See, I was being REALLY loud, and REALLY obnoxious. In all fairness, it was a bit over the line to call a girl "lower than a child molester," but hey, fuck her -- she's a Yankees fan... by choice.
The Bartender says "whatt's the problem here?" I explain that she is a FUCKING YANKEES FAN!
The Bartender (oh, you're gonna fucking love this) says, "Brotha! I'm from Wakefield... and I think that ALL YANKEES FANS ARE BELOW CHILD MOLESTERS -- WAY FUCKING BELOW."
The Bar-Back-Broad chimes in "Oh yeah, totally, Fuck the Yankees."
This other girl down the bar, who (when she walked in, and before she opened her mouth) was really kinda ugly yells "FUCK YEAH, I'M FROM MELROSE, AND FUCK THE YANKEES. GIAMBI IS A FUCKING FAGGOT, FUCKING A-ROD IS FUCKING GAY-ROD. WHAT A FUCKING QUEEAH... GAY ROD GETS FUCKED UP THE ASS BY GIAMBI AND THEN FELCHES HIM FUCKING QUEEAH... GETS BLOMPIES FRUM FUCKIN HOMELESS PEOPLE FUCKIN FAG."
(Wow... I'm into THIS chick!)
And all this time, the Circus Freak is mortified in her chair. See, nobody else knew she was a gimp - but I have a feeling it wouldn't have mattered to anybody. We drove her out of there like we were chasing a leper with the black plague out of a pub during the middle ages.... we all but beat her with sticks. And nobody felt the least bit bad, because her handicap was not the issue ... she was driven away for her own personal (and fucking miserable) choice in life ... and the best part is that I did not have to fuck a gimp.
Oh, and I know I'm going to hell. So, whatever. I'll save you a seat (because admit it -- you fuckin' laughed).
posted by Enrico Giamondi at 9:27 PM
1 Comments:
nice post can't say i'm a yankees fan either but then again not a fan of baseball too its like watching golf (watching flys fuck boring as hell). Luck you though.
Post a Comment
<< Home