Just Slappin' It....
WACKAPEEPEE, MASS. - Okay... so a fellow member of the bar emails asking a question about something I wrote in a law review article... we banter back and forth a bit. Text messages get a little racy. We shoot the shit a little, and decide to get together. The following email exchange ensues... Read it..., then look below for the "report."
From: Brooke REDACTED
Sent: 3:44 PM
To: Enrico Giamondi
Subject: Tonight
Do you want to come over my house for dinner tonight?
-Brooke
----------
From: Enrico Giamondi
Sent: 3:49 PM
To: Brooke REDACTED
Subject: RE: Tonight
absolutely.
-EG
----------
Brooke REDACTED wrote:
SO much for working late tonight.
-Jennie
----------
-----Original Message-----
From: Enrico Giamondi
Sent: 3:51 PM
To: Brooke REDACTED
Subject: RE: RE: Tonight
I'll bring work, if that would make you feel better. We need to do *something* during the refractory periods.
-------------
Brooke REDACTED wrote:
I will call you around five to iron out the details. I am warning you. I just moved last weekend. There are still some boxes in the place.
-Brooke
-----Original Message-----
From: Enrico Giamondi
Sent: 3:54 PM
To: Brooke REDACTED
Subject: RE: RE: Tonight
Is the bed set up?
---------------------
Brooke REDACTED wrote:
Yes. And I have 1000 thread count sheets that I will be removing before you arrive.
-Brooke
-----------------
-----Original Message-----
From: Enrico Giamondi
Sent: 4:03 PM
To: Brooke REDACTED
Subject: RE: RE: Tonight
to put on 2000 thread count?
-------------------------
Subject: RE: RE: Tonight
Date: 16:02:22 -0500
From: Brooke REDACTED
To: Enrico Giamondi
I'm putting a tarp down. I’m a squirter.
-Brooke
_________________________
Sounds pretty promising, huh? Ok... I get to her house, no fucking dinner. God damn it. Ok, yes, I came there for one reason... and one reason only... but I did expect to be fed, dammit. Also, she had emailed me a picture which must have been taken five years ago .... of someone else.
As soon as I realize that I am NOT there for what I bargained for (she represented herself as a pretty hot ass broad... she was tepid, at best)... what do I do? I run out to my car, grab my bong, and proceed to do bong hits in her kitchen. She's kind of freaked out...
We start talking about lots of shit... at one point, I go off on what a dipshit fucktard state I think Florida is. She gets offended, "hey, I was born here, raised here, and my whole family was too..."
Oh, so I should change my opinion of this fuckbag state because I'm doing bong hits in a Floridian's kitchen?
Lets see... I make fun of her house, her cat, her clothes, pretty much everything. Why? Because she's not ugly enough for me to say "I'm leaving." But she's ugly enough that I wish she would throw me out. Ok, look, I *do* have a heart, and I wasn't about to tell this broad that I would rather drive an hour home without my food and without the pussy I came to collect... so I figured if I could be an asshole enough, she'd send me packing, and my conscience would be clear.
Another bong hit.
After another hour or so of me being an asshole, she says "you know, you're kind of an asshole."
YES!!!!!
I reply "I beg your pardon, I am a complete asshole... didnt you know that?"
She says something, but I'm not listening. She has big tits. I'm really high. All I see and hear is tits. Tits.. tits ... big tits... bong hit... tits... bla bla bla bla bla bla bla....
She's blathering on .... "and then this time.... and my dad said.... and my cat.... this other time.... oh, and I was like.... and so that is why I like to be slapped around, thrown on my knees, fucked up the ass, and I LOVE to swallow..."
WHAT? WAIT.... WHEN THE FUCK DID SHE START TALKING LIKE THAT?
Ok, she has my attention.
Essentially, well, as discussed above, she likes to be, shall we say dominated .
Ok... yes... this is true...
I slap her across the face... not very hard... just testing her. More to call "bullshit" and have her get all horrified. I figure she'll scream at me.
She starts moaning. No fucking shit. I smack her again. Moans louder.
Now mind you, I have EARNED the right to kick the living shit out of many ex girlfriends, but I am just not into it. Only rednecks, cops, arabs, career military, roid heads, and other assorted short-dicked motherfuckers hit women. And believe me, I'll put my years of trying to be non-violent behind me if I see a guy manhandling a woman. Its beneath me, its beneath all guys, it disgusts me.
But, on the other hand, if she LIKES it.... I guess all bets are off. I mean... it ain't "abuse" if it turns her on, is it? Fuck it, im evil. I dont give a shit.
Anyhow, I was so high that I thought it was a goddamn laugh riot. Every time I smacked her, she took off another item of clothing, until she was naked, on her couch, tearing at my pants. Imagine me slapping her, her moaning, tearing her clothes off... I don't get it.
This was fucked.
Another bong hit.
So I start playing with her pussy... and shove my dick in her mouth. She did a lot of talking about what a great cock-sucker she was... fucking liar. She was mediocre at best. But, she did have a brazilian wax job, and she wasn't lying... she fucking sprayed all over the goddamn place when she got off. SQUIRTER STATUS CONFIRMED.
I didnt even blow my load. Thats how bad the head was. But, I did have another bong hit.
Then I noticed that when she was having this orgasm of all orgasms, she had clawed her nails into my left buttock so deeply that my ass looked like one of those rocks on Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom. I look at my ass... what a fucking mess...
I start yelling at her...
"YOU FUCKING MORON, DO YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY BROAD I'M DOING THIS WITH?"
"Jesus, I'm sorry."
"YOU'D BETTER BE SORRY, GO GET SOME FUCKING ICE."
She comes back with ice, and a bowl of strawberries. Yes... for real. I have anothe bong hit, and fall asleep eating strawberries and having my ass iced. I wake up in the morning, and she's asleep on her couch. I slink out the door, drive to work, and get there really early... my secretary knows something is wrong, but knows not to ask.
Man, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
From: Brooke REDACTED
Sent: 3:44 PM
To: Enrico Giamondi
Subject: Tonight
Do you want to come over my house for dinner tonight?
-Brooke
----------
From: Enrico Giamondi
Sent: 3:49 PM
To: Brooke REDACTED
Subject: RE: Tonight
absolutely.
-EG
----------
Brooke REDACTED wrote:
SO much for working late tonight.
-Jennie
----------
-----Original Message-----
From: Enrico Giamondi
Sent: 3:51 PM
To: Brooke REDACTED
Subject: RE: RE: Tonight
I'll bring work, if that would make you feel better. We need to do *something* during the refractory periods.
-------------
Brooke REDACTED wrote:
I will call you around five to iron out the details. I am warning you. I just moved last weekend. There are still some boxes in the place.
-Brooke
-----Original Message-----
From: Enrico Giamondi
Sent: 3:54 PM
To: Brooke REDACTED
Subject: RE: RE: Tonight
Is the bed set up?
---------------------
Brooke REDACTED wrote:
Yes. And I have 1000 thread count sheets that I will be removing before you arrive.
-Brooke
-----------------
-----Original Message-----
From: Enrico Giamondi
Sent: 4:03 PM
To: Brooke REDACTED
Subject: RE: RE: Tonight
to put on 2000 thread count?
-------------------------
Subject: RE: RE: Tonight
Date: 16:02:22 -0500
From: Brooke REDACTED
To: Enrico Giamondi
I'm putting a tarp down. I’m a squirter.
-Brooke
_________________________
Sounds pretty promising, huh? Ok... I get to her house, no fucking dinner. God damn it. Ok, yes, I came there for one reason... and one reason only... but I did expect to be fed, dammit. Also, she had emailed me a picture which must have been taken five years ago .... of someone else.
As soon as I realize that I am NOT there for what I bargained for (she represented herself as a pretty hot ass broad... she was tepid, at best)... what do I do? I run out to my car, grab my bong, and proceed to do bong hits in her kitchen. She's kind of freaked out...
We start talking about lots of shit... at one point, I go off on what a dipshit fucktard state I think Florida is. She gets offended, "hey, I was born here, raised here, and my whole family was too..."
Oh, so I should change my opinion of this fuckbag state because I'm doing bong hits in a Floridian's kitchen?
Lets see... I make fun of her house, her cat, her clothes, pretty much everything. Why? Because she's not ugly enough for me to say "I'm leaving." But she's ugly enough that I wish she would throw me out. Ok, look, I *do* have a heart, and I wasn't about to tell this broad that I would rather drive an hour home without my food and without the pussy I came to collect... so I figured if I could be an asshole enough, she'd send me packing, and my conscience would be clear.
Another bong hit.
After another hour or so of me being an asshole, she says "you know, you're kind of an asshole."
YES!!!!!
I reply "I beg your pardon, I am a complete asshole... didnt you know that?"
She says something, but I'm not listening. She has big tits. I'm really high. All I see and hear is tits. Tits.. tits ... big tits... bong hit... tits... bla bla bla bla bla bla bla....
She's blathering on .... "and then this time.... and my dad said.... and my cat.... this other time.... oh, and I was like.... and so that is why I like to be slapped around, thrown on my knees, fucked up the ass, and I LOVE to swallow..."
WHAT? WAIT.... WHEN THE FUCK DID SHE START TALKING LIKE THAT?
Ok, she has my attention.
Essentially, well, as discussed above, she likes to be, shall we say dominated .
Ok... yes... this is true...
I slap her across the face... not very hard... just testing her. More to call "bullshit" and have her get all horrified. I figure she'll scream at me.
She starts moaning. No fucking shit. I smack her again. Moans louder.
Now mind you, I have EARNED the right to kick the living shit out of many ex girlfriends, but I am just not into it. Only rednecks, cops, arabs, career military, roid heads, and other assorted short-dicked motherfuckers hit women. And believe me, I'll put my years of trying to be non-violent behind me if I see a guy manhandling a woman. Its beneath me, its beneath all guys, it disgusts me.
But, on the other hand, if she LIKES it.... I guess all bets are off. I mean... it ain't "abuse" if it turns her on, is it? Fuck it, im evil. I dont give a shit.
Anyhow, I was so high that I thought it was a goddamn laugh riot. Every time I smacked her, she took off another item of clothing, until she was naked, on her couch, tearing at my pants. Imagine me slapping her, her moaning, tearing her clothes off... I don't get it.
This was fucked.
Another bong hit.
So I start playing with her pussy... and shove my dick in her mouth. She did a lot of talking about what a great cock-sucker she was... fucking liar. She was mediocre at best. But, she did have a brazilian wax job, and she wasn't lying... she fucking sprayed all over the goddamn place when she got off. SQUIRTER STATUS CONFIRMED.
I didnt even blow my load. Thats how bad the head was. But, I did have another bong hit.
Then I noticed that when she was having this orgasm of all orgasms, she had clawed her nails into my left buttock so deeply that my ass looked like one of those rocks on Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom. I look at my ass... what a fucking mess...
I start yelling at her...
"YOU FUCKING MORON, DO YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY BROAD I'M DOING THIS WITH?"
"Jesus, I'm sorry."
"YOU'D BETTER BE SORRY, GO GET SOME FUCKING ICE."
She comes back with ice, and a bowl of strawberries. Yes... for real. I have anothe bong hit, and fall asleep eating strawberries and having my ass iced. I wake up in the morning, and she's asleep on her couch. I slink out the door, drive to work, and get there really early... my secretary knows something is wrong, but knows not to ask.
Man, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
posted by Enrico Giamondi at 1:22 PM
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