My Date Tried to Murder Me

CORNHOLE, GA - A few months ago, I went out for cocktails with a pretty attractive pharmacist. We had some sushi, a few drinks, and I decided that I really was not that interested in her. So, I started acting like an asshole. I don't know why I will never learn. Women LOVE assholes. It's true. Occasionally, I meet a girl that I actually LIKE... and no matter how well I treat her, she turns into a total cunt.

But... when I decide that I don't like a girl, I tell her. And inevitably, she thinks I am kidding. I don't get it. When I am "Mr. Nice Guy," girls never think I'm sincere, and I get the whole "you're nothing but a player" thing from them. (Which is kind of true, but I would set aside the player badge for the right girl). But, worse than that, girls never think I am sincere when I tell them how much I HATE them.

So out with the Pharmacist, and I decided to say good-night. Out of NOWHERE, she says "lets go to your house and sit in your jacuzzi and drink some booze."

Now what the fuck was I supposed to say to that? No?

"Fine, lets go."

So we go to my house, get in the jacuzzi, drink some booze, and engage in some mediocre sex. At some point she gets up to leave...

"Aren't you going to walk me to the door?"

"You came in through it, you know where it is."

Mind you, I wasn't trying to be a dick. I was drunk, tired, and didn't give a shit if I ever saw her again. So, why the fuck should I walk her to the door. I was pretty comfortable, and I thought that I made it perfectly obvious BEFORE I fucked her -- that I didn't really like her that much. I thought she was a nutball.

She leaves... and I never called her again.

Fast forward four months or so, and she calls me.

"Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, don't tell me you're pregnant. We used condoms, remember?"

"I'm not pregnant you jackass, I have reservations at Roy's, there are going to be five chefs, each cooking a different course, and three of them have been on Iron Chef. One of them beat the Iron Chef. I thought you, of all people, would love to go.

Ok, now I felt like a dick. She was right. I love that shit. So, I accept the offer, pick her up at her house, and off to Roy's we go. On the way, she pops in A CD she burned with a bunch of my favorite music on it. How she knew that much about me from one date is a mystery to me. Dinner was fucking phenomenal. So phenomenal that I resolved that I was going to bang this girl so fucking hard, just out of appreciation for the $300 dinner she just treated me to.

So... back to her house, in the jacuzzi, cigars... wine... the works. And my back is hurting me a little bit. So I ask her for an advil or an aleve or something. She comes back with two little white pills and says "here."

The sex was a lot better than the first time. Maybe because I wasn't shitfaced. But, all of a sudden, I feel sick. Lightheaded. Dizzy. I get up off of her, fall on the floor, crawl to the bathroom, and start puking.

"What the fuck were those pills?"

Oxycontin, why?

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? I spent the whole night puking in the toilet, naked, in this chick's house, wondering if she'll just dissolve me in hydrochloric acid if I pass out. I wondered if this was an assasination attempt.

It gets worse.

I crawl to the bed, and as I am lying there, she pulls out ANAL BEADS and tries to shove them up my ass. Yes... I shit you not... I am lying, face down, on the bed, drugged, puking, and this chick wants to experiment with my butthole. Fortunately, opiates give me gas, so I ripped a huge fart at her. She got pissed, but at least it stopped the assault on my cornhole.

Next thing I know, it is 10AM, I am 25 miles from work, and I feel like a junkie on East 11th street who narrowly avoided an ass raping. I call in sick. I tell the truth as to why I am not coming in. My ever-so-cool boss understands.

I drive home, fall in bed, and dont wake up for 22 hours.

Man... payback is a BITCH!