I'm never using a condom again

NORTH END, MA - So I am in bed with this girl, and (of course) safe sex is the order of the day when you're as promiscuous as both of us are. She reaches down, opens the bottom drawer of her end table, and pulls out a condom. Lifestyles... Jesus Christ, what does she do, fuck republicans and cops only? Fortunately I had a Trojan in my suitcase. But nevertheless, the drawer was opened.

We're romping, she's on top doing the ol' bounce to hit bottom routine, and she decides to use her leverage to flip us over. I love that move.

Not this time.

The bed, a full-size, (E.G. is used to a king-sized) is not wide enough for the maneuver. We flip off the bed, and my forehead breaks my fall as it impacts the open drawer. I actually thought that a crowd of reporters in 1930's attire had busted open the door and that they were taking pictures with the old style flashbulbs. The whole world went white, and yes, I woke up to her asking me if I was okay.

I'm kneeling there, trying to figure out what the fuck happened to me, and I realize that I can't open my eyes because they are full of blood.

It wasn't a bad wound, but being a head wound it bled like a fucking filipino virgin.

I'm pretty sure that I won't be getting it up again that night. But, after 5 minutes of what may have been the best head of my life (well, second place after this 17 year old girl in Burlington, VT in 1998), I'm ready to go again.

Of course, the only bandages she had were Flintstones band-aids... so there I am with a fucking concussion trying to get laid while I see her staring at Wilma and Bam Bam and motherfucking Dino on my forehead like some acid-tripped Indian. But, a little doggie-style fixed that -- wait, was I actually self-conscious for once in bed? Shit, that's weird.

And yes, this really happened.