Flight to Los Angeles

ATLANTA, GA - Seven AM flight to LAX…. I’m running late, as usual. Set the alarm for 4:30, which should have left me plenty of time…. But when you roll over at 4:30 AM and there’s a schoolteacher next to you… a hot schoolteacher … with the hottest ass you’ve ever seen on a white girl rubbing against you, you tend to do a lot of thinking about how you can skim the time off somewhere else… I mean, I was going to be getting on a cross country flight. It *might* crash. Do I want to give up my last fuck, especially one with this hot little number, because I might have to skip *breakfast*? Fuck breakfast. Breakfast might be the most important meal of the day, but you only want to eat a good meal so that you can have the energy to chase pussy all day, right? Well if the pussy is right there in your bed, making little purring noises and rubbing her perfect ass against you, and whispering “put it in a little bit,” then fucking breakfast can wait, Delta 205 can wait, and Los Angeles will still probably be there.

Of course, panic set in, as it usually does, the second I blew my load. Dammit… I had an hour to wash off, pack, and get to MCO, get through security, and get on the plane. I’m fucked. But did I mention how hot the schoolteacher is? Whatever… this chick was whispering in my ear how much she liked going out with me dressed as a slut… because she’s 8 years younger than me, and she looks like she’s 18… I love girls that get off on that shit.

She says she loves how attentive I am to her, even when my friends are around. Hmmm…. What the fuck would you do? Pay attention to your buddies’ nitwit conversations “It wasn’t Peyton Manning’s fault that they lost that game,” “Mike Holmgren manages a clock as badly as Herman Edwards,” “check this shit…. My fucking boss…..”

Yeah, I ask you this… do you want to listen to that shit? Or would you rather run your hand up the leg of a 5’3” little hottie, with a great ass, perky tits, who stares at you nonstop, and who just handed you her thong and asked you to taste her finger, which she just slid over her *always* wet pussy (yes, shaved, of course – and I didn’t even have to instruct her to do so).

Fuck it… if she thinks that makes me a “nice guy” I’ll take it.

So she drops me off at MCO. I have a TSA card, so I skip security, run to the gate, and I’m the last person on the plane – again. Stewardess comments “Its really bright in here, I know.” Smartass…. Yes I am wearing my sunglasses because I’m FUCKED up on ambien and valium, and I might have huffed a quick bong hit. So fuck you. Well, not fuck you… well yes, because literally, I’d love to fuck the stewardess…. Put that on my to-do list.

I get on the plane, my fucking pussy assed coworker, who I call Farva (see super troopers), is sitting behind me. What a fag. This fucking fag orders “unsweetened iced tea, light on the ice” no matter where the fuck we are. We could be at a titty bar – well, we couldn’t, because this fucking pussy never goes to titty bars. But if he did, “Iced tea, light on the ice.” Come on fucker, you’re a LAWYER, if you don’t make enough money to order a fucking refill, then you need to start billing more. Fag. I hate this mother fucker. I get acupuncture treatments twice a week just to chill out enough to not kill him. Yes, I get FUCKING NEEDLES in my FUCKING HEAD just so that I don’t stab him in the neck with a cross pen. How’s that for fair.

So im on the plane… the stewardess seems to sense my predicament… which is this…. I need to get FUCKED UP. Why? No, not because Im a lush. Because I need to make sure I am on LA time when I get to LA. Antonio C. is picking me up at the airport… and the cryptic message he slurred at me on the phone a few hours ago was “buddy, be ready for some fuggin asshion! ASSHION mothfucker, whoseis your boy? Antonio loves yafucker….. I piggedupsomechick tolher that my buddy Enrico Giamondi commin to town an he needzaslutty frined an theysead thassnobproblem, we unhuh,….Erica…so ERicasagonablowyou, ok homes?”

I love Antonio. Looks out for his buddies ALL the time. Whether its trying to line up some girls for us to be seen with in LA, or its just covering my ass elswhise.

So im on the plane, and I get a few drinks… crown royal, vodka, ambien (2) and a valium. That ought to knock me out. It does. I wake up with my work all over the place and a terrible piss trying to break out of my cock. At the bathroom, there is a kinda chunky asian girl waiting. I guess I'd fuck her. The line for the bathroom takes forever, which leads me to believe that someone in there is taking a shit. I hate going into the airplane bathroom after someone has shat in it. The smell is bad enough if nobody has been in there. I consider faking that I am a nice guy, and telling the asian broad to go first… but fuck it… she’s not hot enough… of course, it would just have been to avoid smelling the fresh shit smell…. But then, what if the asian has some kung pao ass-blast to leave behind. Chances are, the asian has to take a shit…. Im going in.

A fat blonde exits the lavatory. Oh shit. She’s fat enough that if she took a dump, I might puke…. I go in, shut the door, inhale deeply… no shit smell. Oh thank god. She may have just come in to squeeze a zit or something. Excellent. I piss, stumble to my seat, and slur “wheres my bloody mary?” The stewardess says, “you didn’t order one, do you want one honey?” Nodding her head and rubbing my neck at the same time. This stewardess is a little past her expiration date, but she must have been a girlfriend to a drunk or drug abuser in the past … she knows how to calm both down… great broad. I start to think that wish I could fuck her, even if she is a little over her prime. Fuck it… I beat off to MILFHUNTER.com, so what the fuck? But that ain't happening… Broad… I love that word… the schoolteacher looks at me funny when I call her a “good lookin’ broad.” She just chuckles and asks “how old are you again?” So dirty… jesus... a couple of drinks and a couple of ambien and my incoherence goes off the charts done now.