My Date Tried to Murder Me

CORNHOLE, GA - A few months ago, I went out for cocktails with a pretty attractive pharmacist. We had some sushi, a few drinks, and I decided that I really was not that interested in her. So, I started acting like an asshole. I don't know why I will never learn. Women LOVE assholes. It's true. Occasionally, I meet a girl that I actually LIKE... and no matter how well I treat her, she turns into a total cunt.

But... when I decide that I don't like a girl, I tell her. And inevitably, she thinks I am kidding. I don't get it. When I am "Mr. Nice Guy," girls never think I'm sincere, and I get the whole "you're nothing but a player" thing from them. (Which is kind of true, but I would set aside the player badge for the right girl). But, worse than that, girls never think I am sincere when I tell them how much I HATE them.

So out with the Pharmacist, and I decided to say good-night. Out of NOWHERE, she says "lets go to your house and sit in your jacuzzi and drink some booze."

Now what the fuck was I supposed to say to that? No?

"Fine, lets go."

So we go to my house, get in the jacuzzi, drink some booze, and engage in some mediocre sex. At some point she gets up to leave...

"Aren't you going to walk me to the door?"

"You came in through it, you know where it is."

Mind you, I wasn't trying to be a dick. I was drunk, tired, and didn't give a shit if I ever saw her again. So, why the fuck should I walk her to the door. I was pretty comfortable, and I thought that I made it perfectly obvious BEFORE I fucked her -- that I didn't really like her that much. I thought she was a nutball.

She leaves... and I never called her again.

Fast forward four months or so, and she calls me.

"Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, don't tell me you're pregnant. We used condoms, remember?"

"I'm not pregnant you jackass, I have reservations at Roy's, there are going to be five chefs, each cooking a different course, and three of them have been on Iron Chef. One of them beat the Iron Chef. I thought you, of all people, would love to go.

Ok, now I felt like a dick. She was right. I love that shit. So, I accept the offer, pick her up at her house, and off to Roy's we go. On the way, she pops in A CD she burned with a bunch of my favorite music on it. How she knew that much about me from one date is a mystery to me. Dinner was fucking phenomenal. So phenomenal that I resolved that I was going to bang this girl so fucking hard, just out of appreciation for the $300 dinner she just treated me to.

So... back to her house, in the jacuzzi, cigars... wine... the works. And my back is hurting me a little bit. So I ask her for an advil or an aleve or something. She comes back with two little white pills and says "here."

The sex was a lot better than the first time. Maybe because I wasn't shitfaced. But, all of a sudden, I feel sick. Lightheaded. Dizzy. I get up off of her, fall on the floor, crawl to the bathroom, and start puking.

"What the fuck were those pills?"

Oxycontin, why?

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? I spent the whole night puking in the toilet, naked, in this chick's house, wondering if she'll just dissolve me in hydrochloric acid if I pass out. I wondered if this was an assasination attempt.

It gets worse.

I crawl to the bed, and as I am lying there, she pulls out ANAL BEADS and tries to shove them up my ass. Yes... I shit you not... I am lying, face down, on the bed, drugged, puking, and this chick wants to experiment with my butthole. Fortunately, opiates give me gas, so I ripped a huge fart at her. She got pissed, but at least it stopped the assault on my cornhole.

Next thing I know, it is 10AM, I am 25 miles from work, and I feel like a junkie on East 11th street who narrowly avoided an ass raping. I call in sick. I tell the truth as to why I am not coming in. My ever-so-cool boss understands.

I drive home, fall in bed, and dont wake up for 22 hours.

Man... payback is a BITCH!

Reason 134 to love Howard Dean

BRATTLEBORO, VT -- No wonder Howard Dean couldn't win the Democratic Nomination. The guy is relatively cool. (Sidebar, I did smoke a cigar at his desk when he was governor of Vermont -- but he doesn't know that). Oh, the guy is relatively cool -- but he's GOT to learn what "hide the Salami" means...


"Well, certainly the president can claim executive privilege. But in the this case, I think with a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, you can't play, you know, Hide the Salami, or whatever it's called."
--Howard Dean on Hardball

I wish that I had voted for Gore and Kerry

MT. DORA, FL -- No, I didn't write this... but it gave me a laugh. I dedicate this to all the fucking idiots who voted for Bush either time, but especially the fucktards who voted for him in 2004.

I am sitting here reflecting on how the world would have been different if I had not voted for Bush.

First, 9/11 would have never happened because Gore can read a PDB and he would have stopped the hijacking of the airliners. Even if 9/11 had happened under Gore, he would not have gone to war with Iraq and lost 2000 of our troops, maimed 10,000 others and killed 100,000 Iraqis. We would not have squandered 200 billion dollars on the Iraq war and might have had some money around for Katrina instead of having to borrow it from China.

Gas would not be $3.29 a gallon because Gore and Kerry wouldn't have given their oil company cronies and their Saudi backers the big favor of wiping out all the vehicle mileage standards, and the Middle East would not be destabilized, and Gore and Kerry would have insisted on conservation.

Both Gore and Kerry would have recognized the global warming problems and maybe Katrina would not have been so bad, had we acted to stop the Gulf of Mexico from heating up so much.

Under Gore and Kerry, the government would not be bankrupt and my grandchildren would not be saddled with debt, and I could possibly look forward to receiving some social security when I retire.

Both Gore and Kerry would veto the pork barrel spending bills that have forced our country into virtual bankruptcy. And finally, we would not be elevated incompetent men and woman to positions of high authority just because they kiss the Presidents ass.

WHOOPS! Wait a minute! I DID vote for Gore and Kerry. It was YOU that voted for Bush twice and have ruined our country!

Another nutty email someone sent

Dear Sir:

I'm a celebrity publisher and former NASA scientist that has been banished or exiled from the internet. This is not a good thing. As a business man who knows his product is superior this is a very big damn problem.

I would like to neutralize the defendants and/or their desire to censor my research and my life from the global public but human society doesn't allow that. So, we sue!

My work has been censored since 1998 and I am a very prolific publisher and web developer. Also, I would like to produce and host a tv program based on my work.

I am currently being kept a prisoner in Columbus against my will(abduction?). I have been trying to get to [redacted] since last November it appears as if Ohio was turned into a CIA-Klan prison esp-cia-lly for human publishers like myself.

Get me to [redacted] alive and I can guarantee a very profitable business concerning civil rights litigation. As we both know, there is no such thing as civil or human rights in America so litigation must be for another reason?

From the Columbus Hive,

[redacted],
Publisher, Human Rights Leader, Scientist

Cajun 101

BAYOU BOEUF, LA -- "Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. "Frafer-perly yom kom drabby sham!"

I'm sure you don't get it. Fuck off.