I got a lot of head at the superbowl

HOUSTON, TX - I arrived in Houston this morning. I have no fucking idea what I am doing here, but I had a fond time here last time I wandered into the largest city in Redneck Nation. Superbowl XXXVIII. My Patriots were favored in the Superbowl. I still can't believe I can write that. As much as the Sox winning the series meant to me, Superbowl XXXVI truly changed my life, but the story isn't that good. What, I got drunk, watched the game, lost my shit, fucked one of my students, drove her home, had a fucking snack. Superbowl XXXVIII turned me into some kind of reincarnation of Nero, and is a much better story.

Q: That was months ago, why are you writing about it now?

A: Just fuckin read it. Its about blowjobs and whores and football. You got something against whores and football and blowjobs? Fuck off.

I boarded the plane at Fort Myers, FL. I had packed in 15 minutes, my tickets being procured only an hour prior. A co-worker was driving me to the airport. He came into my apartment and said, "Rico, this is not an apartment -- this is a cry for help."

What? So I had a 1400 square foot two-bedroom in a pretty expensive complex, and it was furnished a little bit Zen . There was a mattress on the floor, a 13-inch television next to it, no other furniture, three bikes in the living room, and the fridge had four Red Stripe beers in it, oh and a jar of pepperoncini. What the fuck else do you need?

I grabbed my suitcase, threw in my Purple velvet pimp outfit, a pair of blue suede shoes, three pairs of underwear, a box of condoms, a toothbrush, two pairs of sunglasses, two pairs of socks, and two Patriots T-Shirts. I put on a pair of jeans, a Steve Grogan jersey, and my leather jacket. Grabbed the suitcase, took a hit off a joint, stubbed it out (always fly clean) and said, "lessgo." My buddy, peckerwood, grabbed a red stripe for the road.

Got to RSW, and instantly met an old-timer Pats fan in the airport. Guy was 70 or so, drunk, on crutches, and wanted to buy me beer. New best friend made.

We drank Sam Adams, of course, and some guy from Melrose, who was WAY too prone to violence joined us. More beer.

Boarded the plane. Shitfaced. Half the plane was drunk Patriots fans (is there any other kind?), and the other half was cunts from Houston (is there any other kind of person from Houston?). The screaming of the non-cunt half horrified the rest of them. At about 20,000 feet, it started.

By "it" I mean that thing that happens to me when I get to a certain point of inebriatedness. I bought a pocket breathalyzer because I wanted to learn exactly what blood alcohol level was required for "it" to happen, but I always forgot and then the breathalyzer became a drinking game - as in "what is the highest number I can get on this thing." Blood alcohol content became a "high score."

Oh, but what is "it" you ask? "It" is when I turn into a Viking. I'm 1/8th Swede and 1/8th Icelandic. The rest is all guinea. The guinea runs the show most of the time, and the Viking just sleeps. Someplace around .25 BAC, the guinea passes out and the Viking takes over. He's a good-natured Viking. Doesn't usually hurt anyone, but he has been in over 100 bar fights. At least he doesn't use an axe. Today, the Viking didn't want to fight...

So, possessed by my ancestral Viking, I tore off my clothes. Kept my underwear on. Why? Not to be naked, I just wanted to change. Put on the Pimp outfit. Purple velvet with leopard-skin lapels and cuffs. Fucker, I'm the Patriots Pimp baby. The Viking made sure that everyone on the plane knew that. First he screamed it. Then he yelled it as he sprinted up and down the aisles. Then he informed every woman on the plane as he slurred, "y'all bitches lookin' fer work?"

The crew tried to convince the Viking to tone it down . As if a fucking Viking can tone it down. Fucktards. The Pats fans on the plane protested... they liked the Viking / Pimp. And they wanted more.

Arrived in Houston, got in a cab, and got fucked up with my uncle for about oh, 36 hours straight. Then, the Viking realized what was missing -- TITS!

Off to a titty bar near the hotel. I remember which one, but I'm not telling the name, because I am reasonably certain that what happened there was not entirely legal -- and I wanna go back for more.

First, the bouncer comes up to me at the bar and says that the owner would like to have a word with me.

FUCK. The Viking hasn't even done anything yet. They could probably tell that the Viking was minutes away from causing a scene. Into the back room - 600 lb gorilla of a bouncer behind me.

The owner, Cletus, or Clyde, or whatever, says "boy, you gotta be the biggest foot-ball fan I ever seen."

What the fuck is this all about? I wonder silently. I try and keep the Viking calm.

Cletus says, "why don't you go on upstairs to where the REEEL fun is at!" He walks me over to the velvet rope, where the guy at the rope says, with a straight face, "two thousand dollars."

TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS?????

He clarifies - it is two grand for a one year membership. You gotta buy a membership to go up there, but you can come back any time for a year.

TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS! Are you out of your fucking mind?

As I am trying to come up with a more eloquent way of saying, "fuck you," Cletus says, "nah, this here boy can go on up as a guest of the house."

Velvet rope is moved. Viking is happy.

The Viking walks upstairs, where it is a hell of a lot nicer than downstairs, but not two grand nicer. I sit down, grab a shot of tequila, and a stripper sits down next to me. She said something, but who the fuck listens, and what the fuck would you care? The operative part of the conversation is:

"You ever been here before?"

Nope.

"Then let me tell you the deal up here."

OK.

"It's $20 per song for a lap dance."

Fucking rip off.

"It's $100 for a blow job."

I'm instantly sober.

"Let me get this straight now.... $20 to be frustrated for 4 minutes. Or, for the price of being frustrated five times, I can get my dick sucked?"

"You got it honey."

Needless to say, I got my dick sucked. She wouldnt let me blow a load in her mouth, so I blew it on her tits. Fuck, for $100 in the United States, from a white chick who wasn't a crack whore, that's a bargain.

Back at the bar... no shit, there are food menus . Porterhouse steak - $50. Not a bad price. Bartender says it's a great steak. Yeah, at a titty bar.

Fucking steak comes, it was the sixth porterhouse that I ate in Houston - in fact all I ate in Houston was porterhouses. Motherfucker if it wasn't the best one I had all weekend. To make it even better, this honey of a little black chick sits in my lap and feeds me the whole thing. I don't even use utensils. Got that treatment in Thailand, but in the U.S.A.? This was getting better. Last bite, the little black chick wipes my mouth with a cloth napkin. I must have a pretty satisfied look on my face, because she says, "you look happy."

Happy.... heh...

Then she says, "you know what you need for dessert? A Blow Job."

This chick must know me.

Now this blow job was superior. Same $100, but an absolute stellar performance. Sound effects, slurping, all that shit. And, she let me bust in her mouth. No swallowing, but whatever.

Back at the bar. Shot of Don Julio. Another.... another.... a little asian chick walks by. I'm thinking "I gotta get the trifecta."

Another $100 down the drain. She says that she doesn't think I came. Fuck honey, of course I'm shooting blanks - thats my third blowjob in four hours. But damn if it wasn't Martin Luther King's and Jesus's dreams come true. All three races in one night in one titty bar on one cock. The Viking was happy and had done his part for racial justice and equality.

I stumbled to the door, and bumped into the owner.

"Leavin' so early?" It was 4 am - they were open until 7 am.

"yeah, and not because I am too drunk (I had more room in the tank), not cause I am hungry (I just ate a 32 ounce porterhouse , not cause I am getting thrown out, not cause I am tired, and not cause I am out of money ... I still have $400 in cash in my pocket... I'm leaving because I am SATISFIED!"

Think about it boys... leaving a titty bar because you are satisfied.

To top it all off... the owner says to a doorman - "give this boy a ride home."

Doorman runs off, and comes back with the club limo. I get out of the limo at my hotel in the pimp outfit, climb into my hotel room, and slept like a baby - on the floor.

Next day, Patriots win. How fucking cool is that.

And that's the time I went to the Superbowl. Can't wait to tell my kids.

Sweet mother of god, make it stop

Old Fart Fuckin .

An Email I got at Work

JIM THORPE, PA

Land of the Rats, Home of the Cowards

PROJACK, UT -- America is not a place...it is an idea. That idea has been lost on this administration, and frankly, on 95% of all Americans. And don’t think that I only blame George W. Bush, because none of us have done enough to defend the Bill of Rights for the past four years. Hell, I’m smarter than all of you fucking morons and I could have done more. I should have done more, because I know better.

America. Land of the free. Home of the brave. Think about those concepts. I happen to fucking love them. We’ve allowed them to become nothing more than pissed-upon historical footnotes.

Home of the Brave? I'm sorry, but we're NOT the home of the brave anymore. We're home of the sissies. The panty-waisted sissies. The excuse for running a thick black magic marker over the Bill of Rights has been "security” and most of you bought it, hook-line-and sinker.

I used to think that America was personified by John Wayne. Kicking ass and taking names. Mess with us? We'll kick your ass, but we'll never give up our freedom. In fact, we’ll even die for other people’s freedom, let alone our own.

"Give me liberty or give me death!" Remember that quaint little quote?

Well, we're not John Wayne anymore, we've become Woody Allen as a child, with an overprotective mother who makes us wear helmets when we eat, and elbow pads when we ride a bike. Would I take an added risk of dying in a terrorist attack to keep the Bill of Rights? You're fuckin-A I would. So who do you want to be? Woody Allen or John Wayne?

Land of the Free, home of the Brave? We will win the war on terror? We have LOST the war on terror already. Yes, Al Qaeda WON. The loser of a war is the one whose way of life is conquered by the other, and my friends, we have been conquered. And you (and I) let it happen. Fucking wuss-bags. Cowering behind our duct tape.

We're not brave - we civilians think it's fine to send young people to die in Iraq, ostensibly for our freedom (and for the purposes of this missive, I'll accept that as why we are in Iraq, and I will accept that we belong there). But we're not willing to risk a .000001% chance of a terrorist attack to keep the Bill of Rights intact so those kids recognize the United States when they return from the war? Fuck that. We owe our soldiers in Iraq, and ourselves, that much. We want them to fly helicopters into hostile fire? We want them to patrol the streets of Baghdad, risking their lives every day, but we won’t do our part to preserve democracy at home?

We make me fucking sick.

Let some bastard attack us again....how many of us can he kill? 3,000? 30,0000? 3,000,000? Who the fuck cares? I know, what if you were one of those 3,000? Well, are you brave enough to risk your security for freedom? Probably not, you panty-waisted sissy. Freedom. I want to paint that word on a bat and smash your fucking face in with it.

Land of the Free? Our freedom has been under attack, but not by Osama Bin Laden, and not by Sadaam Hussein. In fact, as bad as those two bastards are, neither of them ever threatened my FREEDOM. I wish that I could say the same for John Ashcroft and George W. Bush. Sure, you say "well if you're not doing anything wrong, you don't need the Fourth, Fifth, or Sixth Amendments." Then stand up and fight to repeal the Bill of Rights. It’s the same procedure as amending the Constitution to prohibit gay marriage, which so many Americans seem to think is a great idea (which I just cant figure out for the life of me – why gays would WANT to be married, and why the rest of us give a shit). No, because you WANT the Bill of Rights to be there, because you never know when you might need it.

The last time a tyrant named George ruled this country, I thought we learned our lesson. That lesson is where the Bill of Rights sprang from – that is where the idea that became America germinated.

I don't care how conservative you are, do you trust an unchecked executive branch with the decision to detain you without trial? Do you think you don't need an attorney if you're arrested? Do you think that perhaps there should be a WARRANT with judicial oversight before your home is ransacked? How about that quaint and irritating First Amendment? You don't care because you don't say anything unpopular? You don't care because you happen to share your religious beliefs with Ashcroft and Bush (and Joe Lieberman, and Tipper Gore)? You don't care because you're not an Atheist, you're not gay, you're not muslim? You don’t care because you don’t read anything “subversive?”

If you think that, remember the words of Pastor Niemoller:

"First they came for the Communists but I was not a Communist - so I said nothing. Then they came for the Social Democrats, but I was not a Social Democrat - so I did nothing. Then came the trade unionists, but I was not a trade unionist. And then they came for the Jews, but I was not a Jew - so I did little. Then when they came for me, there was no one left who could stand up for me."

If you are reading this, chances are you have an American passport, which means you are a fucking sissy, so I don't know why I am bothering, but here goes -- STAND UP FOR YOUR FREEDOM, YOU PUSSY!.

We can recover from four years of failed economic policies. We can rebuild anything that any terrorist tries to destroy. We can't get our Bill of Rights back once it is gone. Poof. There it goes, and it is your fault.

Colin Powell is a fuckhead

HOUMA, LA - I am sitting in a strip club built from an old double-wide trailer. The parking lot is mud, and there is nothing but oil fields outside for as far as the eye cares to see -- you could see further, but then you would have to look at fat toothless dumbasses who actually voted for David Duke. I have paid each stripper $5 to put her shirt on. Is it just me, or does every broad in this fucking town have tits that look like spoiled potatoes?

Today, the UPI Reports that U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell claims that there is evidence Iran is developing a missile system to deliver nuclear warheads. (I just shot coffee out my nose).

"I have seen some information that would suggest that they have been actively working on delivery systems." Powell told reporters.

You know what, Colin, I actually believe you. But I can't picture anyone else believing you. You played your little minstrel show before the United Nations about Iraq so masterfully -- you should have been in overalls with no shoes on, and you should have ended each sentence with "sho' nuff!"

Can I just give a little advice to you, dumbass? You took an oath to protect and defend the CONSTITUTION of the United States...not the lying assed president. You let them use you like a stupid little puppet. Now your credibility sucks.

You could have sacked up and come out with the truth. Yes, it would have cost Bush the presidency -- oh noo. Of course, you would have wound up the first Black president in 2008 (and hell, I would have voted for you). You don't have your job now anyway. But instead, you decided to play Uncle Tom.

Now, you and this country will never be able to say "weapons of mass destruction" without the whole world laughing at us.

The biggest laugh will come from Iran as it develops a nuke and a missile with which to deliver it and we will be powerless to do anything.

And history will blame YOU for destroying our credibility. You fuckhead.

Fart Hammer

Ok, I see really funny shit every day. But, this about made me wet my
pants.

Welcome to Fart Hammer

Sometimes there is a man who steps forward, steps apart from the crowd. This man, while not immune to fear, somehow pushes beyond himself and while doing so, teaches us all how to be better people. The Farthammer is not this man.

The Farthammer is just a guy who loves to fart right on the face of unsuspecting girls right after he cums on them. This is the story of two guys, a video camera and a desire to flatulate on the faces of girls across the world. This is Fart Hammer!

http://www.farthammer.com

Gives me hope for the human race.

Porn & Grilled Cheese & Bombs & Sniffing Glue

MISKEQUAN, WI -- Ok is it just me? Someone wake me up, or at least tell me that you think that the world has gone nuts too.

Did all this really happen in one week?

Bush got re-elected.

Bush got re-elected by millions of people who cited "moral values" as their prime motivating factor in voting for him.

The Pentagon is forcing kids to profess their belief in the almighty.

"Saving Private Ryan" couldnt be broadcast on Veterans' Day because of "profane language." (New version, "golly gee, that bulled dang near hit me!")

The senate is holding hearings with religious-agenda pseudo-scientists to "prove" that porn is addictive and thus (i guess) should be banned, just like tobacco, oh wait...no not like tobacco. Like umm, err...bad thoughts! BAD BAD. United States Commerce Department and Fucktard Committee. Scientists (so-called) are actually going to testify that looking at pictures is addictive and harmful. (vein..... popping...... out....... of......... forehead.............. must........ regain......... control........) Check out the biographies of those fucking NUTS they call "scientists." Do one better, Google them.

And the crowning jewel in bizzaro week -- (drum roll please) there is A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH WITH THE IMAGE OF THE VIRGIN MARY SELLING FOR $50,000 ON EBAY. You can’t make up shit this bizarre. Bid Now! . There are plenty of articles online about it, but I like the BBC version the best.

Seriously. If I come into work wearing no pants, a red cape, a jack-o-lantern on my head, with "I NEED A BREATH MINT" tattooed on my butt cheeks, jumping up and down screaming "WE ARE THE REAL PEOPLE AND WE SNIFF GLUE!" will anyone even notice? Or will I just fade into the background of loony-world?

Does my health insurance cover mental therapy? Because I think I'm THIS CLOSE to losing it.

Who scares you more? Republicans or Al Qaeda?

TYLER, TX -- Moral values…don’t get me started. But I’d just like to take every Red-Stater who voted for Bush because of some belief that he makes us safer from terrorists and sodomize them with a cactus. I could fill this fucking blog with examples (like that dumb little cunt whose mother died in the World Trade Center, who said that Bush made her feel safe – you stupid little cunt).

As another example, “Jamie” from Greenville, SC posted this on the George W. Bush re-election website:

"Dear Mr. President- I just want to thank you for being someone that I can really look up to. Being a 17 year old teenager, it's hard to find someone who has all the qualities you possess these days. I admire all the dignity, courage, loyalty, concern, and devotion you showed during times of war. I just want you to know that I support you, as well as our troops, 100 percent, and I know you are doing all that you can to keep us safe. When I vote for my first time in the 2004 election, I will be voting for my hero, and favorite President; George W. Bush. Thank you for all that you do for our country and its people! You are a true angel, and I feel safe knowing that America has someone like you watching over us! God Bless You and Thank you once again, Mr. President. "

Jamie, Greenville, SC .

Let me state first, Jamie is such a fucktard. This guy, well first of all, is from South Carolina. Nuff said. You fucking dumb as shit redneck. You think that Bush the Cunt (cunt sounds so much better than “second”) keeps you safe? Well, dumbbumblefuck, how many people have EVER died from terrorism in the USA? What, 3,000 total? What was Bin Laden’s death count? 2,976 (excluding the highjackers). More people died on September 11th from tobacco-caused illnesses than died in both towers’ collapse…but that’s another story.

Consider just this one issue posted on CNN today:

Study links smog increase, urban deaths
Tuesday, November 16, 2004 Posted: 4:00 PM EST (2100 GMT)
HEALTH LIBRARY

CHICAGO, Illinois (Reuters) -- Increases in air pollution caused by cars, power plants and industry can be directly linked to higher death rates in U.S. cities, a study said Tuesday.

Reducing such ozone pollution by about 35 percent on any given day could save about 4,000 lives a year across the country, researchers at the Yale School of Forestry and Environmental Studies said.

So…the same douchebag who sold us out to the oil companies, who sold us out to the Saudi royal family, who as one of his first acts in office did away with mileage and pollution regulations is KEEPING US SAFE? Personally, I would rather die in a terrorist attack than waste away from fucking pollution-caused debilitating diseases. But, Bush keeps us safe? I wish that it was only the stupid fucks in South Carolina who bought this shit, but it appears to be 52% of this fucking country. I can’t believe that a terrorist even considers us worthy of killing us with stupidity like this so rampant here. If Al Qaeda really wanted to get us, they should just ignore us. Kind of like locking a retard in a room with a box of razor blades, a bowl, and a quart of milk. Eventually the retard will try and eat the razor blades. I guess, what the fuck do I know about retards except that 9 out of 10 of them support Bush, and the other 1 supports Barney the cunting dinosaur – the smart ‘tard that is.

So…do the math, Jamie, and the rest of your stupid-as-fuck family. 4000 die a year from deaths that we could prevent. Bush is in office for 4 years so far – 16,000 dead. Four more years, 32,000 dead. Ok, lets just say that it is not fair to blame him from all of the deaths in the USA from pollution. But I am very comfortable blaming him for 10% of them. So, Bin Laden killed 2,976 people. Bush, just through his dropping to his knees to take it up the ass from the house of Saud, and the Texas Oil magnates, has a body count of 3,200. Even if we forget about every other death that this Nazi fuck has caused….he’s still worse. At least Bin Laden killed 2,700 people to further a political goal (as misguided as you may think it is). Bush killed his for nothing more than PROFIT.

I don’t know about you, but I’m WAY more scared of Republicans than I am scared of Al Qaeda.

"Victims" of Castro Need to Shut the Fuck Up

CALLE OCHO -- Here's a funny story about a whiny little cunt. Click here to read the latest story of Cuntdom .

Janet Weininger is a cunt whose father was a pilot who participated in the failed 1961 Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba. In case you are like every other intellectually complacent fuckhead out there - that was when the U.S. Government told 1,500 Cuban exiles (former slaveowners who wanted their plantations in Cuba back) that if they invaded Cuba, we would provide them with air cover and logistical support. They hit the beaches, and we fucked them by not showing up. They got their asses kicked.

Weininger (a.k.a. money grubbing melodrama queen) unfortunately lost her dad in that invasion. He was allegedly shot down in a B-26 48 hours after the commencement of the operation. The Cubans executed him. Now this cunt filed a lawsuit seeking $112 million from the Cuban government under a law that allows families of people killed by "state sponsors of terrorism" to seek damages.

Let me get this straight - a group of 1,500 people, not members of any uniformed military, invade a sovereign country. They fail. They get executed. What the fuck do you think would happen? Is it sad that her father died? Yah, sure it is. But she should be suing, hmmm....let's see....how about the FUCKING GOVERNMENT for sending him there?

You know what? If you try and overthrow a government (even if it SHOULD be overthrown) and you get caught, you assume the risk that you'll get executed for it, fuckhead.

My prediction, she will win her case. The Cuban government doesn't bother to defend these cases that the fascist exiles bring all the time. The courts in Miami are so crooked and terrified of the nazi Cuban fuck community there that they throw out all semblance of the rule of law and find for the plaintiffs in every one of these stupid lawsuits. The Cuban government doesn't pay the judgments (and shouldn't). So what the fuck is it all for?

It helps to suck filthy Cuban cock when you want 27 electoral votes. There's a start.

Punk Machine

This is pretty cool. http://www.zanorg.com/prodperso/punk.htm

Maddox

If you have not yet heard of Maddox, then you need to see this guy's stuff. He's like me except funnier, wittier, and more dedicated. I'm a hack compared to this guy. http://maddox.xmission.com/

Ding ding, here comes the shit mobile!

Truly Disturbing

JORDAN, MN -- Do you want to see something truly disturbing? Then I dare you to visit http://pootybooty.com/. That's all I'm gonna say, except, be certain that you don't have a weak stomach. Man, that even grosses ME out.

Short thought on Lesbians

Lesbians

NORTHAMPTON, MASS -- How much did it suck when you learned that "lesbians" don't really look like the shaved-cunted pussy-licking hotties in your porn mags? Most lesbian couples look like Benny Hill and Boris Yeltsin walking down the street in overalls. Not that there is anything wrong with that, ugly chicks deserve pussy too, but fuck....what a sad day in a horny man's life....

Left wing guys are all pussies

Left Wing Guys are all Pussies
-Enrico Giamondi

PRESQUE ISLE, MAINE -- Yesterday I was confronted with the fact that I am the only male on the whole fucking left wing who STILL HAS HIS MOTHERFUCKING PENIS.

Worker rights, social justice, economic democracy...this kind of shit is not going to be gained by asking "pretty please." God fucking DAMMIT...one side has Rush Limbaugh and the most brilliant use of emotion the world has ever seen, and our team...what the fuck do we get? Mood rings, queer"Bread not bombs" bumper stickers, and fucking webmasters and editors who want to wash any debate with Marquise de Queensberry aromatherapy lotion.

Nose rings, tye dyes, Frisbees, and the moosewood cookbook haven't done shitfor the Progressive/Liberal/Radical movement. That this kind of hippie shit is why the conservatives are in power now. It's time for us to eat raw red meat and start being progressives who are ready to put down the god-fucking damned Joni Mitchell records and shake things up.

Christ, that's half the reason for this blog that nobody reads anyhow. I'm not willing to lend my writing to yetanother effete and ineffectual gathering of fucking sissy hippies who can'tbe told what shitheads they are without crying about it. There really is no other way to call someone a fucking moron than by saying "you are a fucking moron."

Do I rant? You're fuckin-A I do. Does it turn people off? You're fucking right it does. What is my response to anyone it turns off?

Two words -"blow me."

As far as the rules and standards for half the "editors" that I have dealt with go.... I would sooner stick a bottle up their ass as write for them. I don't actually think their rules are wholly unreasonable. It is their publication, and there is no legal or ethical reason to challenge their right to make an editorial decision, but the next time some liberal faggy motherfucker asks me for an article, then after it is done, asks me to "tone it down a little," or "try not to be so confrontational," I'm going to hunt them down and stab them in the face with a broken off car antenna.

I've got ethics. You might not agree with them, and you might not even appreciate them, but I'll be fucked if I'm going to tone anything down after these pussies have ass-fucked the entire progressive movement for the past thirty years. So to the editors of every left wing maxi-pad of a publication, I say: "relegate yourself to the trash heap of leftie pamphlets that I wouldn't wipe my ass with. Fuck your gay little 'zine. When you grow a set ofballs, feel free to ask me to write something for you."

Until then, tune in to Episode 245 for more fucking hard hitting journalism and gratuitous use of the word "cunt."

Oh, and fuck you.

-Enrico Giamondi

Abortion - (liberals are fuckheads)

Abortion is Not an Issue
-Enrico Giamondi

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. -- To every "liberal" or "progressive" and especially every fucking left-wing feminist (who looks like fucking Benny Hill) ....look fuckhead....ABORTION IS NOT AN ISSUE!!!!

If you think abortion is an issue you should give a shit about, tou are wasting your time. This country took a turn to the right because left wing idiots were so goddamned focused on abortion that we lost EVERYTHING. Look, abortion is a red herring, a feminist diversion, and a waste of fucking time. While the left was crying about coat hangers, the Right went and took over top election official spots in key states.

You're worried about abortion? Then use a fucking condom.

Not that I don't believe in abortion rights, but for god's sake, you are all such morons. Ignore the abortion issue. Completely ignore it.

The left thinks that politics is a race -- it is NOT a race, it is a game of chess. The secretary of state of minnesota (10 electoral votes) is a christian fascist. The top election official in Ohio (20 electoral votes) was the campaign manager for the Bush campaign, the top election official in Florida (27 electoral votes) is an appointed vassal of Jeb Bush - AND that office was once an elected office, but they changed that after Katherine Harris (the fucking cunt that she is) left office to take her bribe for illegally corrupting the 2000 election - a seat in congress representing Sarasota county. Texas (34 electoral votes) has been gerrymandered to the point that no democrat will ever be elected to congress from that state.

And you fuckheads are worried about abortion.

Jesus H. Christ....put your eye on the ball, go on the fucking birth control pill, and worry about the real progressive agenda. For all the effort and political capital the left burns on abortion, it could simply fund bus trips to Toronto for everyone who wants an abortion, and stop butting heads with the right on an issue that WE CAN'T WIN! How can you defend against an accusation that it kills a human life? I dont know if it does or not, but for fuck's sake, what is your SOUND BITE to combat that? NOTHING. Remember, the battle is for the minds of the average American - an absolute dipshit who watches reality shows, thinks Jessica Simpson is talented, and whose greatest aspiration is to one day own an H2. You're not battling for the minds of college professors in Vermont.

Bottom line....you don't NEED to have an abortion if you fucking THINK before you COME! Put on a condom, take the pill, or fucking pull out and shoot it on her fucking FACE! (Option 3 is fun AND eliminates the need for an abortion). Sure abortion should be legal. But I'm fucking sick of trading the progressive stand on abortion for the fucking head-start it gives religious fundamentalists and right-wing statists in their quest to turn this goddamn country into a christian taliban reproduction of pre-invasion Afghanistan.

Y'all Come Back Next Time

Y’all Come Back Next Time

SANFORD, FLORIDA -- You have GOT to read this shit. Man, the south really fucking sucks. Y'all Come Back Next Time . It is a story about Jim Crow bullshit in the year 2004. Florida is such a bunch of racist redneck fucks. Fuck Florida.

Damn it feels good to be a Sox Fan

By Enrico Giamondi

MUSKEGET, MASS. -- I came in to work the day after the sox beat the Yankees so overjoyed that I forgot I was supposed to be interviewed by a news crew. I showed up in jeans, my Sox T-shirt, my Sox cap and my lucky UMass baseball jersey. Oops. Everyone asked if I was happy. Happy? Are you shittin' me, cuz? All I could say was, "The whole world has changed."

Remember watching those sledgehammers hit the Berlin wall? That is what it felt like to watch each run that Johnny Damon added to his RBI column. I felt like an age of good has just come over the world. I felt like a caveman who watched the Ice Age end in four hours. The sun has shone brighter. Enzyte actually works. Mikey didn't really die from eating Pop Rocks and drinking Coca-Cola. The Supreme Court didn't really hand Bush the election based on complete bullshit. Godzilla came and ate Katherine Harris and Glenda Hood and Theresa LePore.

The Yankees may have 500 world series victories or whatever those douchebags have, but not a single one of their pennant victories will match up with this. The two longest games in post-season history. The only team to ever come back from 3-0. One of those three was the second worst loss in post-season history. The Sox took it from them in their house. Red Sox fans were running laps on the field in the house that Ruth built. We sowed the fields with salt that night. This is the payoff for so many decades of heartache. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!
Do I want a series win? Yeah. I really do. But am I proud as all hell to be a Red Sox fan? Yah brotha. I'm wicked proud. The tea has been thrown into the harbor. The shot heard round the world. Oh brotha.

Damn it feels good to be a Sox fan.