The Gimp

CORSO VANNUCCI -- This morning I was calling Mikey to tell him about the Hip Displaysia Gnome that I almost fucked, but she was a Yankees fan.

Oh, you want to have it explained a little better than that, do you?

So I'm at this restaurant/bar, for some fucking networking bullshit thing. I went to it last week, and pulled the Silver Medal broad out of the place. Ok, she was a bit trashy, but it was the Silver Medal (for those who don't know, that's the SECOND best looking chick in the bar/party/airplane/classroom/jail cell or whatever social setting you're in. So, anyhow... Silver Medal girl wasn't much but a wacko...

So, anyhow... this week. I hit on the Gold Medal and after 10 minutes of energy expended, I finally understand that the wedding ring on her finger means that she isn't interested in getting fucked within 45 minutes. I bail. Move on to Silver Medal (not the same chick, new party, new silver medal) Silver Medal is hot, cool, she *does* smoke, but is really interested in quitting .. and get this, she's skipping church to be drinking, and loves the fact that I'm in the porn biz. Yah! Score. Well, she's gotta go around 10PM, but I get her card and send a slick email when I get home. Then I smoked a blunt and started writing this. Ha.

So, I re-enter the Bistro... there she is -- The Bronze Medal. Still pretty damn hot. This was a great party. I mean, Gold was only Gold because she was really wholesome and didnt smoke... but Silver was actually hotter. Bronze, she was clearly Bronze... but still worthy of a medal.

So, I'm chatting her up, buy her a few fruity drinks, and she's essentially stroking my ego enough that I know it is inevitable that I will bang this broad. Nice Jewish girl.... I decide to quit wasting time and I say to her:

Me: "You wanna get out of here and get something to eat -- like Sushi?" (subtitle = "you wanna fuck?")

Her: "I don't eat sushi, but I'll go there with you." (I'll do any fucking thing you want ... including swallowing *to-fucking-night*)

Me: "fuck, lets just get a booth here." (I'll definitely fuck you, but I want a motherfucking portherhouse too, so in the interest of time, lets eat here, then fuck)

Her: "Ok, but I need to go to the bathroom"

Me: "Ok... go"

Her: But, umm, I need to tell you something

Uh oh.

I have a *limp.*

Ok, so who gives a fuck? I didnt walk for a year after I broke my leg skydiving, fuckin limp over to the bathroom.

(she smiles) ok... (laughs).

end of dialogue

THIS WAS A "LIMP" THE WAY THE SRI LANKA TSUNAMI WAS A "WAVE!" SHE'S GOT FUCKING HIP DISPLAYSIA LIKE A FUCKING GERMAN SHEPHERD!

Ok, it is NOT nice to make fun of the disabled... and I'm not.... I'm just saying that she's FUCKING DEFORMED! Not that there is anything wrong with that, but fuck, man, I figured she was weird -- but she was fucking CIRCUS GEAR. Oh my god....

No, I panic... how the FUCK am I getting out of this one? Oh fuck.... man..... I am just gonna have to fuck her. I mean, how can I not? I can't be THAT GUY that was throwing mad game at her, looked at her like she was the Bronze.... and he poured on the fucking charm. And then... he figures out she has hip displasyia, and he bolts.... Fuck... I didnt give a FUCK if I had to get some motherfucking Ecstasy and Viagra. I was going to have to fuck this girl. I mean, it may seem egocentric and narcissistic, but (well, of course I am both), but this was one occasion when the "mercy fuck rule" came into play.

I really think that in that kind of a situation, it was the right thing to do to bang this girl. Sure, if I was some "I don't fuck that much" guy, then maybe not... but its not like I'm not a slut anyhow. So screw it... what's one more click on the odometer when compared to doing the right thing?

She waddles off to the bathroom, every step making her look like a baseball pitcher winding up to throw. I run outside... I call for backup... there is none available -- well, my friend Jackie... who was the first one I called. She laughed her ass off and tried to come up with a plan. We didnt have much. She was gonna call in 10 mins with an "emergency." This was absurd. This wasnt going to work. I was fucked. I was going to have to fuck a deformed chick... oh man... what has my dick gotten me into now?

She hobbles back like Tiny Tim with no crutch. She probably has those metal polio crutches, but left them home because they keep her from getting laid... worse than that hip displaysia.

She sits down, looks at the TV and says..... (I SHIT YOU NOT)

"Oh, the Yankess are losing -- I love the Yankees"

THANK YOU GOD! HOLY SHIT. FUCKING DIVINE INTERVENTION! ELVIS, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! TCB BABY.

See... I fucking HATE the Yankees. I dont even write about them much, because they are so vermin-filled to me. I HATE them.

In this world, the lowest form of life is the Yankees Fan.... beneath that is a protoplasmic form of proto-life called the CHILD MOLESTER ... but beneath that, in the sludge of ectoplasmic pre-life foul soup is the YANKEES FAN WHO ISN'T FROM NEW YORK.

Fucking New Yorkers at least have an excuse. In fact, someone from the Bronx, White Plains, Yonkers, Mt. Pleasant, all of penninsular NY, they kinda have to be Yankees fans... its their home team. But pretty much any other New Yorker or New Jerseyan can choose to, instead, be a Mets fan. Mets fans are not slime. I respect them.

But this bitch was a born-and-raised in Orlando, Florida -- and a YANKEES FAN! Now, Elle fucking MacPherson, Iman, and Lucy Liu could have decided to do a Menage-a-quatre with your humble narrator, and if any of them showed up with a Yankees hat, I'd bitch slap her like a fucking angry pimp. Maybe the other two wouldnt have fucked me then... or maybe, just maybe, they'd dig how daddy handles the LAY-DEEZ. (Warning, pimp zone, all others will be bitch slapped).

And therein lies the genius... I LAY INTO HER. Instinctually really. Not even thinking, I essentially inform her of my theories of ectoplasm and essentially tell her that I respect child molesters more than her. It wasn't even a pretext. Seriously... but wow did I throw her an "offensiveness bomb."

She gets pissed and looks to other people in the bar to join her indignancy. See, I was being REALLY loud, and REALLY obnoxious. In all fairness, it was a bit over the line to call a girl "lower than a child molester," but hey, fuck her -- she's a Yankees fan... by choice.

The Bartender says "whatt's the problem here?" I explain that she is a FUCKING YANKEES FAN!

The Bartender (oh, you're gonna fucking love this) says, "Brotha! I'm from Wakefield... and I think that ALL YANKEES FANS ARE BELOW CHILD MOLESTERS -- WAY FUCKING BELOW."

The Bar-Back-Broad chimes in "Oh yeah, totally, Fuck the Yankees."

This other girl down the bar, who (when she walked in, and before she opened her mouth) was really kinda ugly yells "FUCK YEAH, I'M FROM MELROSE, AND FUCK THE YANKEES. GIAMBI IS A FUCKING FAGGOT, FUCKING A-ROD IS FUCKING GAY-ROD. WHAT A FUCKING QUEEAH... GAY ROD GETS FUCKED UP THE ASS BY GIAMBI AND THEN FELCHES HIM FUCKING QUEEAH... GETS BLOMPIES FRUM FUCKIN HOMELESS PEOPLE FUCKIN FAG."

(Wow... I'm into THIS chick!)

And all this time, the Circus Freak is mortified in her chair. See, nobody else knew she was a gimp - but I have a feeling it wouldn't have mattered to anybody. We drove her out of there like we were chasing a leper with the black plague out of a pub during the middle ages.... we all but beat her with sticks. And nobody felt the least bit bad, because her handicap was not the issue ... she was driven away for her own personal (and fucking miserable) choice in life ... and the best part is that I did not have to fuck a gimp.

Oh, and I know I'm going to hell. So, whatever. I'll save you a seat (because admit it -- you fuckin' laughed).

QUIT SHOWING THE DUDE'S FACE!

VIA ULISSE ROCCHI 6 -- For christ's sake... you would think that porn producers would finally get it... listen:

WE DON'T WANT TO SEE THE DUDE'S FACE DURING THE MONEY SHOT!

We don't really even want to see the dude's face. In fact, lets have more lesbian porn -- and I mean the kind of lesbians we wanna see -- not the kind that look like John Denver. (See Short Thought on Lesbians -- brought to you by "shadows of sabine").

Other shit that bugs me -- when porn is dubbed. What the fuck? Barelylegal.com does that on all their video clips. WTF? I'm pretty sure that Larry Flynt productions could afford a microphone and a sound man at the shoot.

Any porn made by the former Axis powers. Yes, Italian porn sucks, but German and Japanese porn is truly fucked. You've seen Tubgirl... yeah, that's the Japanese for you.

Shove the cell phone up your ass

BRICKELL AVE - We have already established that the "never date a chick with a dog" Tao has been elevated to 98% mandatory status. But I have a new ancillary Tao.... cell phone addicted chicks are off the list. This doesn't really happen all over the US, so those of you outside Florida might not believe how many of the girls down here are absolutely cell-phone-addicted -- like in a chemical dependency way. Tell you what, when I am paying $200 for some pimp-assed dinner, there's no fucking way you're answering your cell phone at the table unless your older sister is about to give birth and this might be the "come to the hospital" call -- or unless you're a fucking doctor and you are on-call, and even in those circumstances it's not cool -- just acceptable.

Last time a girl answered the phone and started bulshitting on her cell phone with me while on a date, I got up, left her there with the check, and never looked back.
Fuck this. I can pull any ass I want. I'm not tolerating this shit, and neither should you. Well, fuck, I dont care what you want to tolerate.

No, you stupid cunt, you can't bring your dog

TAMPA, FL - Why the FUCK does it seem that every goddamn single woman in Florida: A) has a dog, B) has no fucking idea how to take care of it or train it, and C) thinks her fucking dog should be the problem of any guy she dates.

Case in point... this little hottie that I met at a conference in Tampa (shacked up with her for one night about a month ago) gives me a call, asks what I'm up to, and I invite her down to hang by the pool with some friends. Now, she gives pretty damn good head... so, I figure why not? And now you ask... "so what's the problem?"

"Can I bring my dog?" THAT'S THE MOTHERFUCKING PROBLEM.

I swear, from this day forward, no matter who the girl is or what the reason is, the answer is no. Not if she's coming with her bisexual girlfriend and a midget. Not if she's going to fuck the dog, film it, and give me all the profits. I don't give a shit if I'm fucking a blind chick and she wants to bring her seeing-eye dog. No, I'm not fucking dating a girl with a dog, and she is sure as fuck not bringing it to my house.

So this stupid twat shows up at my place, and within 5 minutes, the fucking dog has shat on my carpet. My brand fucking new carpet. I've lived in this house for 8 months without furniture or carpet or anything, last goddamn week I broke down and finally furnished the place, and I get one week of carpet-dom before this FUCKING STUPID TWAT'S DOG SHAT ON IT.

Problem two -- it is barking ALL FUCKING DAY. Jumps up on everything, barking like a nut... and this cunt does nothing but giggle and say "oh, she's just excited." It was quite satisfying to see my cat scratch the thing's face though. I only wish that the Cat had actually blinded the stupid dog.

Finally, I can't take it anymore. I tell her "enough is enough, the dog goes in the garage."

Yeah... great. The motherfucking thing tore a hole in my wall. CHEWED OFF THE MOLDING AROUND THE FUCKING DOOR! Her reaction "awww, she was lonely." Dumb cunt. I should have fucking kicked the shit out of the dog, then beat the dumb twat with the unconscious dog's body. I'm getting some antifreeze now.

So what gives? Why the fuck does every single chick in Florida have a dog? I would actually rather date a chick with a kid than a chick with a dog. A chick with a dog is on par with a chick with a mongoloid child. At least a 4 year old won't shit on the carpet (well, probably not) and won't try and bore a hole through the wall, and if you smack a 4 year old for doing something, chances are he won't fucking do it again.

So no... you can't bring your fucking dog -- unless you want me to stab it in the neck with a pair of scissors.

Here are some links for people who hate dogs... like me. Fucking smelly co-dependent feces eating pieces of shit!

Dog Haters
Joel Stein's Editorial about hating Dogs
Dog Hating Page
Some shitty rant about dogs
Barking Fucking Dogs
How Pet Owners are Destroying America
The More Dogs I Meet, the More Dogs I Hate (Salon.com)

OH FUCK, I ATE WHAT????

DIPSHIT, FL -- I walk into my boss' office today, and wow, the room smelled really good. While talking, I notice that he has re-stocked the candy bowl. I reach in and pop in what looks like a nice red piece of hard candy. Talk about gross, the thing tasted like salt and ass. He then yells, "NO, DON'T EAT THAT!!!"

I spit it on the floor, and then realize... hmm, this must have fallen into somebody's salty asshole -- or its not candy.

Fucking ROOM DEODORIZER that not only LOOKS like candy, but is in THE MOTHERFUCKING CANDY BOWL.

Jesus christ... I've brushed my teeth three times, and I still can't get the taste of salty asshole out of my mouth.

This is worse than that chewing gum that I got out of the vending machine in the bathroom at the gas station. (just kidding, fuckhead).

UNRELATED ADDENDUM REGARDING MY SEX LIFE

On a totally unrelated subject, the schoolgirl is fired. For chrissakes... the first time we ever fucked, she says that all she wants out of me is sex... which works great for me since I'm not much for getting into a relationship after my last one. (See The Tao of Broads). For weeks, schoolgirl and I fucked, had a great time, and then last night she drops the "the deal has changed" talk on me.

I had to instruct her that deals need to be renegotiated -- they don't just "change."

Shame... she's a great broad, big tits, bright girl, LOVES her father, doesn't smoke, and has the best attitude ever. (She does have a dog... but it's not a deal killer). I'll definitely pawn her off on a worthy friend.

Yellow Elephants

KARL ROVE'S FUCKING BUNG, DC - Operation Yellow Elephant is a blog that tries to get the fucking pussies who put yellow ribbons on their cars to put their asses in the desert. I dont think they are having much success, but they've made me laugh.

I'm never using a condom again

NORTH END, MA - So I am in bed with this girl, and (of course) safe sex is the order of the day when you're as promiscuous as both of us are. She reaches down, opens the bottom drawer of her end table, and pulls out a condom. Lifestyles... Jesus Christ, what does she do, fuck republicans and cops only? Fortunately I had a Trojan in my suitcase. But nevertheless, the drawer was opened.

We're romping, she's on top doing the ol' bounce to hit bottom routine, and she decides to use her leverage to flip us over. I love that move.

Not this time.

The bed, a full-size, (E.G. is used to a king-sized) is not wide enough for the maneuver. We flip off the bed, and my forehead breaks my fall as it impacts the open drawer. I actually thought that a crowd of reporters in 1930's attire had busted open the door and that they were taking pictures with the old style flashbulbs. The whole world went white, and yes, I woke up to her asking me if I was okay.

I'm kneeling there, trying to figure out what the fuck happened to me, and I realize that I can't open my eyes because they are full of blood.

It wasn't a bad wound, but being a head wound it bled like a fucking filipino virgin.

I'm pretty sure that I won't be getting it up again that night. But, after 5 minutes of what may have been the best head of my life (well, second place after this 17 year old girl in Burlington, VT in 1998), I'm ready to go again.

Of course, the only bandages she had were Flintstones band-aids... so there I am with a fucking concussion trying to get laid while I see her staring at Wilma and Bam Bam and motherfucking Dino on my forehead like some acid-tripped Indian. But, a little doggie-style fixed that -- wait, was I actually self-conscious for once in bed? Shit, that's weird.

And yes, this really happened.

Burn Rove Burn

WASHINGTON, DC - (Specifically, 1819 M Street, NW) Even after watching this, the uneducated idiots will still likely stay loyal to the fucktards who've trashed everything this country stood for.

The video says it all (boosted from www.crooksandliars.com)

Here it is in Windows Media: http://movies.crooksandliars.com/Scotty_Rove.wmv

And here it is in Quick Time: http://movies.crooksandliars.com/Scotty_Rove.mov

Oh, and by the way... if you really want to assess the character of a woman, make sure to say "pre-nup" really early in the relationship.

Thought for the day

“Take away the right to say ‘fuck’ and you take away the right to say ‘fuck the government.’”

- Lenny Bruce